


Happily Ever After, Sort Of

by chaineddove



Series: Wedding Bells [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-03
Updated: 2012-03-03
Packaged: 2017-11-01 00:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/350205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaineddove/pseuds/chaineddove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Isane mentions that Yachiru could use a mother figure.  All hell breaks loose.  Involves a Venus fly trap, Nanao's desperate attempts to keep order, several teacups, numerous trips to the hospital, and a bridal magazine which Yumichika didn't quite manage to hide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happily Ever After, Sort Of

There were a number of ways to keep President Kusajishi quiet during Shinigami Women’s Association meetings, and Vice President Ise had tried most of them. Captain Kuchiki’s method, for example, had a great deal of merit, but unfortunately Yachiru went through meat buns altogether too quickly and unless someone sat next to her with the express purpose of stuffing them into her mouth one after the other, the chatter would invariably resume before any actual business could be conducted.

The ideal solution had come from Matsumoto, of all unlikely people. She had waltzed in a few weeks ago with a sack full of sweets from the living world. Her explanation – which involved Captain Ukitake, Captain Hitsugaya, a moderate level of squealing, and some truly terrifying speculation – had made Vice President Ise twitch, but she had also discovered that stuffing three or four wads of bubble gum into Yachiru’s mouth simultaneously would result in a prolonged silence broken only by the occasional pop of a bubble, which would allow the rest of the Association to conduct business in a more-or-less timely manner.

The method had some drawbacks, unfortunately. “What _happened?_ ” Matsumoto demanded the moment they all sat down to ostensibly brainstorm ideas for a new fundraiser.

“Mmffngmmmmmmmrf,” replied Yachiru. She blew a very large, very pink bubble, and made a happy giggling noise when it popped. “Mmmmphf!”

“That’s helpful,” remarked Soi Fong.

“Vice Captain Kusajishi, throw away your gum,” Rukia said with a sigh. “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

Yachiru shook her head so violently that it was surprising that nothing rattled. “Mmmmphf!”

“Do something!” Matsumoto demanded, apparently not brave enough to try taking the gum away herself. Yachiru popped another bubble.

Ordinarily, this state of affairs would have been acceptable, but Nanao had to admit that even she was morbidly curious. “President Kusajishi,” she said, reaching into her pocket, “would you perhaps like to try the new raspberry flavor?”

Unsurprisingly, Yachiru spat out her wad of gum immediately (on the floor; Nanao winced) and climbed the podium. “Gimme!” she demanded.

“Before that, you have a black eye!” Matsumoto exclaimed.

“I just _told_ you what happened,” Yachiru said, clearly implying that Matsumoto was on the slow side if she didn’t understand. “I got to do training with Baldy and Fairy-san. Ken-chan says they’re getting lazy. Ken-chan says they’re wasting too much time making googly eyes at each other.” Matsumoto did not quite manage to suppress a giggle. “Ken-chan told me to whip them into shape.”

“Oh!” Isane said. “Is that what happened! I was wondering what kind of monster they had tangled with. They weren’t in any state to tell me themselves. Captain Unohana is with them now; she sends her regrets. She hopes to make the next meeting.”

“ _Both_ of them?” Kiyone demanded incredulously.

“Ken-chan says I did a good job,” Yachiru chirped.

“I’m surprised they managed even to black her eye,” someone muttered.

“Fairy-san got lucky,” Yachiru said. “Fairy-san is a pansy! He never should have touched me! They owe me a rematch, once they’re better. Fix them quick, okay?”

“Enough,” Nanao declared, deciding she didn’t want to think about it. “Here is your gum.”

***

“And then guess what she said, Ken-chan?”

Kenpachi grunted in what may or may not have been interest, which was enough for Yachiru to continue blithely on.

“Isane-chan said that I was single-handedly proof that every little girl needs a mommy. Except she said female authority figure, but I think she meant mommy. And then Nanao-chan agreed with her!” She crossed her arms in front of her chest and pouted.

“Huh,” said Kenpachi eloquently.

“That was pretty mean of her to say, don’t you think, Ken-chan?” Yachiru insisted. “I’m not little.” She paused and looked down at herself. “I’m not _that_ little.”

“Huh,” Kenpachi said again.

“Well, anyway, that’s what she said, and I told her I had _you_ , Ken-chan, and she said, ‘exactly.’”

“I’m not your friggin’ mommy,” Kenpachi said.

“You kind of are,” Yachiru told him cheerfully, climbing into his lap. “There’s only Fairy-san otherwise, and I don’t want him to be my mommy; he’s a pansy.” She shrugged. “I hope he doesn’t die, though; he’s pretty fun to tease.”

***

“You’re looking kind of wide-eyed, Nee-san,” Kiyone commented.

“I think I need a drink.” Wrinkling her brow in concern, Kiyone poured it. Isane drank it down in one gulp.

“What happened?” Isane wasn’t generally a big drinker.

“You’ll never believe it. Captain Zaraki showed up at my office,” Isane told her. “He broke down the door.”

“What? Why!?”

“He wanted to know why I thought Vice Captain Kusajishi needed a mother. He also wanted to know what a mother was supposed to do, exactly, and where he was supposed to look if he decided to get her one.” Kiyone blinked. “He asked about his subordinates, too, but it was kind of an afterthought.”

“What did you tell him!?” Kiyone demanded.

“Well, I didn’t know _what_ to tell him!” Isane exclaimed. “Would _you_ be able to look him in the face and tell him his lieutenant is out of control?”

Kiyone shook her head wordlessly.

“Fortunately, Captain Unohana came to rescue me,” Isane said. “She took him away somewhere and then sent someone to fix the door.”

“I’m so glad you’re alive,” Kiyone told her.

“You and me both,” Isane agreed.

***

“But why, Ken-chan!?” Yachiru whined.

“Because I said so,” Kenpachi told her gruffly.

“But I don’t want to stay at Ikebana after the cakes are gone!”

Kenpachi heaved a huge sigh. Who’d have thought this would be so complicated? “Listen, will you just go?”

“I don’t wanna!” Yachiru proclaimed with finality.

He glared at her, but he had long since realized that she was completely immune to his facial expressions, though they reduced most others to quivering jelly. “I’ll give you a lollipop,” he muttered.

Yachiru looked up at him shrewdly. “What flavor?”

“How the hell would I know, what flavor!”

“I want strawberry,” she told him. “A _big_ one.”

Kenpachi sighed again. “Fine. But only if you go _and stay put._ ”

Yachiru giggled and clambered up onto Kenpachi’s shoulder to hug him around the neck. “Only ‘cause I love you, Ken-chan.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

***

“That is… a very creative flower arrangement, Captain Unohana.”

“Hmm,” Unohana said. She took a sip of her tea and smiled beatifically. “Yes, Yachiru-chan made it for me.”

Iemura eyed it warily. “I wasn’t aware Vice Captain Kusajishi attended your flower arrangement sessions.”

“Don’t be silly, Iemura-san,” she said. “You know she always comes. We have the chocolate cakes especially for her every month.”

“I suppose what I meant to say is that I wasn’t aware she _participated_ ,” Iemura stressed.

“Perhaps she has had a change of heart,” Unohana said cheerily. “I wouldn’t touch that if I were you,” she warned before Iemura could approach the flower arrangement sitting on the edge of her desk.

“Captain… is that a Venus flytrap!?”

Unohana smiled serenely. “This tea is lovely, isn’t it?”

***

“Ken-chan, Ken-chan, did you know there are flowers that _bite?_ Maybe Ikebana isn’t so bad,” Yachiru proclaimed. “I’ll make one for Baldy next time. It'll help him get better.”

“I don’t want any of your stupid flowers,” came the shout from an upper story window.

“Baldy, Flower-san said you could only come home if you promised to stay in bed today!” Yachiru called back. “But if you _really_ want, we can train some more.”

“Screw that,” was Ikkaku’s response.

“Then stay up there and be a good invalid!” Yachiru taunted.

“HEY, SCREW YOU, YOU LITTLE BRAT, I’M COMING DOWN THERE AND YOU’D BETTER START RUNNING-”

“Be right back, Ken-chan,” Yachiru told him and hopped off the porch. Clearly her obedience to her newfound friend only stretched so far. “I’ve got to go beat up Baldy again.”

***

“Didn’t we just discharge him!?” Isane asked with something edging on hysteria. “Yesterday! We just discharged him yesterday!”

“There’s nothing we can do,” eighth seat Ogidou said, taking a stack of papers from her and filing them away. “Captain Zaraki brought him in with a punctured lung.”

“Not to make him sound callous, but doesn’t he usually let someone else take care of these things?” Hanatarou queried, sorting a box of mail.

“He is around here all the time lately, though. He’s been here three times in the last month!” Ogidou remarked.

“I wonder why?” Hanatarou mused.

“Don’t ask,” Isane said through gritted teeth. “I don’t think we want to know. Let’s just go get dinner.”

Hanatarou ignored her. “You know,” he said, reaching into his pocket. Something jingled. “I found this bell cleaning the upstairs recovery room, and don’t you think it looks like-”

Isane paled. “…I think I just lost my appetite. Excuse me, please.”

Ogidou ignored her, too. “And last week, he checked _himself_ in, and he only had a couple of broken ribs. Isn’t that a little weird?”

“We don’t. Want. To know.” With that mildly hysterical statement, Isane fled.

***

“Ken-chan, Ken-chan!” Yachiru skidded to a halt and flopped down next to Kenpachi on the porch as he was finishing his morning tea. “Look at this.” She tossed a tattered magazine onto his lap. “What do you think, Ken-chan? It’s pretty, right? It’s sparkly!”

“Where the hell did you get this?” Kenpachi demanded.

“Fairy-san’s room,” Yachiru told him cheerily. “He had it hidden in his pillowcase. Do you like it?”

“YUMICHIKA,” Kenpachi roared at the top of his lungs. “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A BRIDAL MAGAZINE!? I’M GOING TO GRIND YOUR ASS INTO DUST, YOU FAIRY.”

A very pale Yumichika stuck his head out of the window. “I have no idea what you are talking about, Captain,” he declared.

“But Fairy-san, it’s yours!” Yachiru insisted. “Look, you even drew hearts on this page, I saw you-”

“Where did you get that!?” Yumichika gasped.

“YOU ARE DEAD,” Kenpachi snarled, surging to his feet. His teacup broke, but he ignored it.

“Ken-chan, hold on,” Yachiru insisted, tugging on his haori. “This one! What do you think! It’s glittery, right? It would look pretty on Flower-san, right? Right? Ken-chan!”

“I don’t care. I need to go kill someone,” Kenpachi announced.

“Oh fine,” Yachiru said, pouting. “But come back here once you’re done.”

***

“I hereby call this meeting of the Shinigami Women’s Association to order,” Nanao said. “First pressing order of business: continuing from last time, does anyone have any ideas regarding the upcoming fundraising drive-”

“We should have a fashion show!” Yachiru exclaimed suddenly, perching on the podium.

“President Kusajishi, what happened to your gum?” Nanao asked with a sigh.

“I swallowed it,” Yachiru announced. “It was yummy. But listen, I have a really good idea! I think we should have a fashion show and sell lots of tickets and then buy cakes and cookies.” She balanced on one foot. “See, I’ve got this magazine, and even Ken-chan thinks it’s a good idea, or at least he doesn’t think it’s a bad idea!” She held up the dog-eared magazine as a visual aid. “He likes this one and thinks Flower-san would look pretty if she wore it and I bet everyone would come-”

Matsumoto squealed and snatched the magazine from Yachiru’s hands. “Yachiru-chan! That’s a _wedding dress!_ ”

“That’s fine as long as it’s sparkly,” Yachiru said, undeterred. “But listen, listen, then we could use the money we get and buy a really really big cake like the one on the next page, only with lots of colors instead of just white-”

“Are we having a wedding!?” Matsumoto exclaimed, apparently getting into the idea. “And Captain Zaraki agreed! That is so-”

“Completely wrong,” Soi Fong finished dryly.

“It is not!” Yachiru insisted. “Take that back! It would be fun and-”

“And if we had a wedding we could have the cake _too_ ,” Matsumoto finished for her. “And lots of alcohol!”

“Really?” Yachiru asked. “Okay! Then we can have a wedding! I’m sure Ken-chan won’t care, since he thinks the sparkly dress is nice, and Fairy-san might even come out of his coma by then so we could get him one too, since he likes it enough to draw hearts all over the page-”

“My poor captain!” wailed Isane, although Unohana was sitting next to her looking quite unperturbed.

“Second pressing order of business,” Nanao said, dearly wishing she could hit somebody. “We appear to be out of gum.”


End file.
